Dark Days

It took me forever to come up with a title for this post.  Dark Days just seemed fitting.   I have been sick for almost a week with an IBS flare up.  It's a bad one and it's only been about 5 months since the last one that was this bad.  My GI doctor books 2 months out, so you'd think you could get someone to return your call or talk to you in between, but apparently that's asking too much.  I waited all day Thursday and Friday and no return call.  I left a message with the answering service and I'm calling again in the morning.  I got myself through the weekend just from past experience, but that's not why I have a GI.  The nurse treated me like I was being ridiculous and she was annoyed with me.  How rude.  

I am so tired of toast, Pedialite and applesauce.  The most adventurous thing I've eaten today is eggs, and that was a big step.  Thank goodness for having some meds on hand to try to figure this out myself for now.

I find in my research, that a lot of people with auto immune diseases and chronic conditions have a multitude of them.  This causes a lot of "dark days".  I have accomplished little to nothing all weekend.  I managed to do some laundry, dishes and gag through cooking meals for the family.  No bills, no regular cleaning, nothing.  I can't deal with all of that when I feel like this.  I had to go to the bathroom really bad the other day.  I was on my way to an appointment and I thought to myself, this is what it's like living with chronic illness.  When you have to go to the bathroom it consumes you.  You cannot think or divert from dealing with that issue until you can get to a bathroom.  That is what it's like for me with chronic illness.  When I'm in the thick of a flare up, I can't concentrate on returning calls, paying bills, handling paperwork, or anything outside of what I have to do to get "by" each day.  I was passing by stores I needed to stop at to get milk, pick up mail etc. but I couldn't stop, I had to get to the bathroom.  Later on though when I had to backtrack to go to those places I was so aggravated.  It's like with the flare ups, I always end up with a mess a while later when I finally start to feel a little more human and now the weight of all of that piled up stuff you put off is bearing down on you. I wish I had just taken care of it as I went along day to day, but I just couldn't.

I hate to complain and whine, I know there are people out there who have it SO much worse than I do and I'm thankful for my life and my family and friends.  There are days and times though, where I want to yell uncle and just say boo hoo for me, I'm so tired of having something wrong most of the time.  I feel like people don't believe me and get annoyed with me.  I can't help it. Trust me, I don't want to cancel plans, I want to be there having fun and feeling great more than you even know.  

Each day I wake up hoping the nausea won't be there, the stomach pains won't be there and I start to feel like a human again.  Well that's my rant for today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be great :) gotta stay positive.