Feelin' Blue

Venting day today!  Most days, I muttle by with my limited diet, accepting that it "is what it is".  This is what I need to do in order to keep my colon under control and I'm ok with that.  I am at home and I have my arsenal of foods at hand that I like and can eat.  However, a family gathering tests those resolves and my strength.  I am extremely strong and would never cheat.  Who are you cheating anyway?  Yourself.  I am not willing to suffer the consequences of eating and drinking foods that I know will hurt my body, as much as I WANT THEM!!

Of course, everything had to look extremely amazing.  The wine smelled divine, and I even had a glass brought to me and offered to me...oh pure torture.  Next was sitting around the table with everyone and being the middle man passing around food after food that I could not eat.  Sometimes I had a dish in each hand, double the pain.  Everyone's plates looked so amazing, full of such a wide variety of foods.  There I was with my plain mashed potatoes and chicken and 2 deviled eggs.  I forgot to bring white bread, so no bread for me either.

I finished my food way before everyone else, but I thought to myself, well I do feel full so it's ok.  Then each minute dragged on and on.  Me sitting there finished with my food and everyone eating more and more and more.  Seconds were dished out.  The smells wafed around the table.  It became harder and harder.  I noticed the glances at my plate.  I was trapped in between two people so I couldn't get up, it would have been rude, but I wanted to flee.  I wanted to sit on my own and forget about all of the delicious foods I wanted to eat oh so badly.

Most days I think of food as nourishment for my body, to keep me going and keep me strong.  When I couldn't eat because my flare was so bad, I became acutely aware of how critical food is for strength.  I however, am reminded of how in these situations, food is so completely social.  It's hard not to feel like the outsider in these situations.  Until you cannot have these things, you cannot realize how alienating it feels.  This isn't a "diet" this is STRICT.  This is that food will HURT you.  This isn't a "well just one bite or just one sip" and I'll feel included but it won't hurt me, situation.  This is you KNOW you cannot do it or have it.  Suck it up and move on right?  Well, that's what I did, but it doesn't mean it's easy.  It doesn't mean you don't have a knot in your stomach and want to cry because why has this been doled upon you.  This is followed by, "oh gosh, stop it, there are those who have it SO much worse than you, quit whining."

What an array of emotions for one simple holiday.  So dinner is over and you think it's behind you right?  Nope then it's time to be surrounded by the Easter baskets and candy eating kiddos.  Oh what I wouldn't have given for a Reese's cup.